A Gothic Education

I'm working the late shift today and that means a lot of time to myself.  I like to use this time to work on creative projects such as my burgeoning vampire novel which I am currently calling "Servant of Dracula."  After many months of being stalled on the project I was able to make some headway today.  I think I really needed to get in touch with that part of myself that the story resides in.

Part of getting in touch with the darker side of myself has included time spent at Darkside University.  I didn't get to spend nearly as much time working on the Goth courses there as I would have liked last year.  I especially enjoyed working through the "History 101" course which gives a really good historical timeline of the goth scene, about half of which occurred when I was too little to really participate.  

Although the course is now ended the materials are still available so I have spent a good chunk of my time perusing the articles and videos there.  I often find my fascination for this lifestyle to come and go in waves, just as other aspects of my personality do.  I'm not quite schizophrenic but I'm definitely rootless.  Does that rootlessness contribute to a "gothic" personality?  I don't know but it will always be a part of me and so I will continue to learn more and try to contribute if I can to the goth community.

Failure - An Unguarded Moment of Self Indulgence

I generally pride myself on my ability to hide emotion, even to not feel it at all.  I would prefer to simply exist on pure logic.  Sometimes my mind betrays me though and I find myself crushed in spite of my best intentions.  When it happens I want to turtle up, to never put myself in a place where I will be vulnerable ever again. 

Logic dictates that this is not a plan for life success.  Those who achieve are those who can put themselves out there all the time, who allow themselves to be vulnerable and get hurt.  People who haven't worked as hard or done as much as me pass me by as if I'm standing still because they've done just that.  Why can't I?  Is it impossible for me?  Am I doomed to a life of miserable longing for things I have the power to do but never will out of fear?

Everything in my life contradicts.  Up is down, down is sideways, sideways doesn't even really exist.  It's smoke and mirrors this life is - a carrot tied to a stick held by some cruel rider on my back that will never let me catch what is right in front of me.  The only sensible thing to do is buck the rider off, kick his ass, and take the carrot. 

But this is all feeling, all mindless ranting.  It is to make me feel better and nothing more.  An outlet that somehow isn't enough and won't help but makes me feel like it will.  Damn feelings, damn you.