I generally pride myself on my ability to hide emotion, even to not feel it at all. I would prefer to simply exist on pure logic. Sometimes my mind betrays me though and I find myself crushed in spite of my best intentions. When it happens I want to turtle up, to never put myself in a place where I will be vulnerable ever again.
Logic dictates that this is not a plan for life success. Those who achieve are those who can put themselves out there all the time, who allow themselves to be vulnerable and get hurt. People who haven't worked as hard or done as much as me pass me by as if I'm standing still because they've done just that. Why can't I? Is it impossible for me? Am I doomed to a life of miserable longing for things I have the power to do but never will out of fear?
Everything in my life contradicts. Up is down, down is sideways, sideways doesn't even really exist. It's smoke and mirrors this life is - a carrot tied to a stick held by some cruel rider on my back that will never let me catch what is right in front of me. The only sensible thing to do is buck the rider off, kick his ass, and take the carrot.
But this is all feeling, all mindless ranting. It is to make me feel better and nothing more. An outlet that somehow isn't enough and won't help but makes me feel like it will. Damn feelings, damn you.
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